did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
