My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
