Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
