so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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