Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
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I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
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Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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