You can't motorboat a personality
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
