this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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