Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
