mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
