I look better un-naked...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
