your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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