We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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