My hand turned me down
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
