I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
