if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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