I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
