i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
