i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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