I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
