i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
