We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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