Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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