look no pants
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
where am i from again
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
