Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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