there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
