How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
