i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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