threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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