i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
