well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
