I just made out with a guy for $7.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
