if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
