Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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