Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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