i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
