nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How does one acquire holy water?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
