her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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