Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize