i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize