We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
