I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just had sex bonerless
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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