I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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