$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
