the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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