got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
