dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i am craving dick and cupcakes
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
