how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
