Got a toothbrush?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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