Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
