you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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