you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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