Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
