"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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