Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
